bythemethod.com blog

Everyone likes to feel valued and important. Even those of us who prefer not to be in the limelight really like it when others compliment us on something we have done. The problem is that so many times we put our energy in trying to make ourselves feel important and we miss the point that others have to do this for us – you can’t make yourself important only others can do that.

Perhaps in this age where we seem mad on celebrity we forget that it’s possible to feel valued and important even if you don’t have a crowd of worshippers. In fact these feelings often come from just a few individuals who matter to us: teachers, managers, supervisors, the boss, husband, wife, partner, etc.

Now it wouldn’t be unusual for people who read this to be thinking – that’s all very nice but others don’t make me feel important so why should I bother doing it for others.

Well there is a benefit to making others feel important. Those who make others feel important are often the most liked people on the planet. Think about it for a bit.

When you hear stories about great teachers, what is it that people talk about? They seldom talk about the great facts that they imparted it usually comes down to the teacher noticing and being interested in the student. Or what about when people talk about famous people – they will mention how nice they were to be interested in them for a few moments. It’s the way people were valued – made to feel like they mattered – made to feel important that made the difference. The greatly loved people are those who show an interest – even when they didn’t need to.

It’s one of those strange rules of the universe that the more you give importance to others – the more importance will come to you. You can’t make your self important but you can make others feel important and when you do they will make you feel important.

Of course there are always going to be a few individuals who are arrogant enough to think they deserve your attention just because of who they are (nobody likes these people by the way) but there are an awful lot more who will return the attention you paid to them.

So who are you going to pay more attention to today?

I’ve read a fair bit lately about a study into whether positive affirmation statements are in fact bad for you. A study undertaken by Psychologists Joanne V. Wood and John W. Lee from the University of Waterloo, and W.Q. Elaine Perunovic from the University of New Brunswick, has concluded that people with low self esteem get no benefit from repeating unrealistic affirmations about themselves and in fact the so called affirmations had the opposite effect (but only very slightly). They also found that the affirmations only very slightly raised the self esteem of those with high self esteem.

I’m not personally surprised by these results but I’m not convinced that this actually tells us anything we didn’t already know. Affirmations (for those who suggest them as part of a self help regime) are not a quick fix but instead are designed to help people replace the negative things that they believe about themselves. Psychologists (especially sports Psychologists) have used them for a long time and many report very good results.

I’m always amused by those who pick up on these stories and then turn them into rants against self help and positive thinking. The health benefits of positive thinking are well documented as are the benefits of self help that is done properly (just ask anyone who has given up smoking).

Like all ideas there are quacks who abuse the vulnerable but this doesn’t make the idea wrong. We wouldn’t reject medicine because some make sugar pills so why reject self help because some abuse the ideas behind it?

I welcome the study and I’m sure the findings are important but perhaps only in exposing that just going through the motions of anything don’t make it effective.

Affirmations should be done in the right way and not seen as a quick fix for anything.

A recent study has shown that having close friends helps people to feel better about themselves and the world.

You can read the research here:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090602171941.htm

Your mind has the power to make a big difference in your life. Your imagination has the ability to shape your success. You can use your imagination or let your imagination use you. I come across a lot of people who imagine all kinds of terrible things about themselves – things which are usually not even true. Somehow their imagination has run riot over their self-esteem. They quite often imagine that they are no good for anything or that everything they try is doomed to fail before they begin. This is all rubbish of course it’s just that there mind has made it all up.

Don’t let your imagination do this to you, instead use that power for your own good. Instead of letting your imagination do whatever it wants take control of it and point it in directions where it can help you.

Another word here might be creative, get creative with your mind about the situations you face. When a problem comes along get your creative side working on a solution. When you have an opportunity let your creative side go on planning how you can make the most of the situation.

Your will is so often controlled by what your brain is imagining. Don’t let your imagination bring you down instead force it to help you.

We have probably all heard about the little voice that speaks inside our head all of the time. Well of course that voice isn’t so little and it isn’t really inside our head. It is our own voice that sounds out our thoughts. But sometimes that voice is just plain stupid. The only way to know if what is being said is stupid is to listen and then think through what is being said. There are some simple things you can do to help you with this.

Read the rest of this entry »

It’s hard enough staying confident in life without having to cope with people who talk down to you. Perhaps your Mum or Dad used to put you down all the time saying things like: idiot or stupid or you’ll never do that. Perhaps you have friends or enemies who do the same. Perhaps your employer or supervisor or your husband or your wife do the same.

So what do you do?

Read the rest of this entry »

Affirmations are an important technique that help you change the way you perceive yourself. If you have a poor self image or you suffer with too much stress because of the way you think about yourself then affirmations can help you. Affirmations are probably the most widely used and accepted form of self improvement. Here I show you what to do in a simple but effective way.

Read the rest of this entry »

Being positive is always better than being negative – in my opinion. There is always more research coming out on this subject and despite the odd example where being negative helps you more (no doubt produced by negative people) the vast majority of information points to the benefits of having a positive rather than negative outlook.

How then do you get to be more positive?

Make a list of positive qualities

There is a simple technique called positive listings.

We are often very good at knocing ourselves and believing that we are no good. It could be that some time in the past some well meaning (but very helpful) person has pointed out some failing in your life and has made you feel horrible about yourself. This can be worse when it is someone whom you love or respect. Parents, teachers, Doctors, Dentists etc are all guilty of this at some point or another. We may have done it ourselves – and then hopefully later regretted it.

What we need to do is to think about the positive things about us and this will then help us to think more positively about ourselves which will help us to achieve more and feel more confident.

Get yourself a piece of paper, a pen and somewhere you can write where you will not be disturbed.

Write down your positive qualities.

If you struggle to think what they are then think about the following and find the positive qualities that apply (you may find more than one for each or none for some these are just to help you think):

• Relationships
• Talents
• Values
• Qualifications
• Humour
• Creative
• Sports
• Feelings
• Experiences
• Others

Take your list and read through it slowly.

 You need to take some care to read through what you have written. Try to remember the experience that made you write down your list of things. Accept that they are part of you and feel good about them.

Try one of these

The next thing you can do is to write down each thing in the third person e.g. put your name in to the sentence i.e. Chris is kind and loving, Chris is good at walking, Chris has a good sense of humour etc

Then try writing from the 1st person e.g. I i.e. I am kind and loving, I am good at walking.

Try to feel happy that these are your good qualities.

By accepting that these are all part of you, the individual, you can reinforce all these positive thoughts, feelings and perceptions, which then lead to enhanced beliefs.

What things can you say are your positive qualities?

Leave a comment telling us what they are

It’s wrong to reward yourself for things that you should do right anyway. This is what most people think but most people are wrong. One of the things that lowers self-confidence and self esteme is a lack of rewarding yourself for your successes. Even small success should be rewarded. In this last of the current series of posts on building self confidence we will explore how to build rewards in to your daily life.

Read the rest of this entry »

If you lack confidence or your self esteem is low then you proabably don’t need me to tell you to improve yourself. You need to understand that you are better than you think you are – the vast majority of us underrate our abilities and how much people like us. You also need to understand that it is important for everyone to build a habit of self improvement because no one is perfect.

Read the rest of this entry »