Take a look at this article if you doubt my word.

Here is a four step plan (taken from the same article):

• Acknowledge the pain and anger felt as a result of someone else’s actions. For forgiveness to occur, the situation needs to be looked at honestly.
• Recognize that healing requires change.
• Find a new way to think about the person who caused the pain. What was happening in that person’s life when the hurt occurred? Sometimes, the motivation or causes for the incident have little to do with those most affected. For some people, this step includes saying, “I forgive you.”
• Begin to experience the emotional relief that comes with forgiveness. It may include increased compassion for others who have experienced similar hurt.

Christians have been advocating the importance of forgiveness since Jesus mentioned the importance of it over 2000 years ago. I encourage you to find some forgiveness for others.

It is important, in any endeavour, to make sure you are in the right state of mind but it is even more important to understand what a state is in the first place.

A “state” is the way we are thinking at a moment in time. So we can find ourselves in a positive state or a negative state at any moment. We might be in a motivated state or de-motivated state at any moment. I think it is possible to have more than one state of mind going at any moment but not to have opposing states. For instance, it is possible to be positive and yet be in a nervous state at the same time (althlough being positive usually does help with nerves). However it is not posible to be positive and negative at the same moment. You may well find, however, that you quite often wobble from a positive state into a negative state and back to a positive state and so on very quickly.

Another way of saying ’state’ is ‘mood’. Perhaps you are more familiar with talking about moods.

You can change your state at any time you choose

It’s a strange thing but we can choose what state of mind we are in.

I always used to assume that my state of mind was down to how I was feeling. If someone upset me then this would put me in a negative state, or if somone praised me this would put in a happy state and so on. I would spend my days letting other people and my health dictate what kind of mood or state I was going to be in. What a good way to waste a life.

It took me around twenty years to work out that my state or my mood was actually in my control. I don’t have to let people tell me how I should be, I can chose for myself.

Choose a better state than the one yu are in

It takes a little practice but it can be done. You can choose to be in a better mood (state) if you want to. I guess the key here is the word ‘want’.

Decide what it is you want. Then choose to enjoy a state that gets you what you want.

What if the going gets so tough you just can’t get the state you want?

Sometimes this will happen. There are some techniques to help you, a very powerful technique is known as anchoring. More about that at another time.

The first thing to do is to find some space – a little time and quiet. Then think back to a time when you were in the state of mind that you want right now. Work hard at reliving the feelings you enjoyed in that state and use those feelings to pull you back into the state you want to be in.

It has long been believed that reflecting on your values raises your self esteem and so makes you less defensive when you have to address your problems. However this study has shown that reflecting on values makes you more focussed on others which makes them more loving and connected to others.

You can read more about this study here:

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080722113022.htm

My own feeling is that both theories have merit. That reflecting on your values can raise your self esteem and help look beyond themselves.

I would recommend anyone to take some time to think about their values. Why not try doing it this way:

Write a list of values and then pick 5 of these as your main values.

Now rank that list in order of importance.

Then write for 10 minutes on why you think the one you have picked as number 1 is so important.

Why not let us know what your favoured values are by leaving a comment below.

Who is your hero? I guess we could get a very long list of very worthy people if you answered. But I want you to make sure there is at least one name on your list. That name should be your own.

But I am the last person I would think of as a hero

You would be in a very large group of people of you thought this way. Quite possibly nearly everyone would think this and if you didn’t think it I guess others might call you selfish or arrogant. They would be right if they thought that calling yourself a hero meant thinking you were better than others.

Real heroes do not think they are better than others

Real heroes never put themselves above others. In fact they usually want to help others even more than they want to help themselves. They are often the person who sacrifices themselves for others. This ought to mean that thinking of yourself as a hero would make you want to help others not make them serve you.

Anyway I’m getting off track.

What is it about a hero that you admire?

What do you look for in a hero? Do you like courage? Perhaps selflessness? Perhaps their ability to keep going even when things are getting impossible? Perhaps you like the way they treat other people? The way they help the person than everyone else rejects?

Develop your own list of qualities that you admire in others.

Sit down with paper and pen and make a list of qualities you admire in others. Jst jot down anything that comes to mind. Don’t stop to work out what they mean or if they are good or bad just jot down whatever you have in your mind.

Once you have your list then pick the top 5 good ones. You can work on the others another time but just for now work only on those top 5. If you find 5 too much then just start with 1.

Make those qualities your own

Now you should work hard to make those qualities your own qualities. Start to behave in the very ways that you would like your hero to behave in. Find someone or something today where you can act like your hero would act.

If you have picked 5 (as suggested above) then allocate 1 to each day of the working week and on each of those days make that 1 quality your focus. Make sure you practice that one quality on that day.

Become your own hero

Now make yourself into that hero that you admire. When you go to bed remember the good things that you have done for others and be happy you were able to do it.

As you become your own hero you will find your confidence will grow and you will feel much better about yourself.

This is something that all of us can do. Don’t punish yourself if you are not living as your hero every moment of the day but be happy at those times when you do act like your hero.

Self-image, self-confidence and integrity are all important qualities for anyone who wants to be truly successful.

Related posts:

There are five stages in this model of change.

• Pre-contemplation – the first stage is where you don’t see any need to change.
• Contemplation – this is the stage where you start to see that the benefits of changing are greater than the problems of changing.
• Preparation – this is where the choice to change has been made and plans are prepared to make the change (e.g. goal setting etc)
• Action – this is where you put the plan into action
• Maintenance – the stage where the change is fully incorporated into your lifestyle and so becomes a normal part of your life.

Some add another step of Termination just to make the point that the change has become the normal.

I have great respect for psychologists and this model is very helpful but I can’t help but feel it’s the same stages that Christians and others have been telling us about for centuries. Still it’s always nice to see these things confirmed by science.

What use is this to you?

Well the important thing for us is to recognise where you are in the five stages.

If you are trying to set goals but are in the pre-contemplation or even the contemplation stage then there is no way you will succeed.

If you are stuck in the pre-contemplation stage then you need to keep exploring why you think the change is important. If you are only interested because others tell you its important then you may not want to change and so will find it very hard to get started.

When you have reached the contemplation stage then you need to write down the pros and cons until you have many more pros that cons. Keep this information because you may need some help when the going gets tough.

Once you enter the preparation stage you need to keep going through into the action stage. Preparation without action is time wasted.

Then you need to make your change part of your every day life – not just something you do for a while.

What if I stop and the change does not take?

It’s not unusual for people to slip back in the system and end up in the contemplation or even pre-contemplation phase again. Don’t despair but keep working at the change. It can take a long time to change something that has become a normal part of your life.

How can I make sure I don’t slip back?

You need to make changes in your life to make sure the new way becomes the normal way. This might involve making some big changes in your life. You may need to rethink what you do in the evenings and the people you associate with for instance. The changes won’t take if you continue to live the same way you always have.

Your life now was once a change

You were not born the way you are now. Everything about your life and the way you live now was once a change. You have done it before and you can do it again. But you won’t do it unless you have a clear desire to change and this comes through the initial stages.

On other occasions we will explore this more fully.

I think there are several things that stand in the way of someone changing and here a just a couple of them:

1) Fear. We are afraid that if we change then we will have to give up some of the security that we have spent so much of our life developing. Security is a good thing but so often it limits what things we are willing to do. What is strange though is that often people want to change so they will have more security but the act of changing can make you feel insecure. Don’t ever let fear drive you. Take a stand against fear and discover how much you can change if you are willing to take the risk.

2) Not seeing the point. If you are going to change you need to get the point of changing. Too often our reason for changing is because everyone else thinks its a good idea. If you want to lost weight or perhaps give up smoking you need to get the point of why you are giving up. If you don’t get the point then no amount of effort will make the change. If you think something is a good idea but you are not sure what the point is then try writing down an arguement for why you should make the change. If your arguement is not convincing then try again. Keep up the arguement until you know why you are going to make the change.

3) Not desiring enough. Just seeing the point of changing won’t do you also need a strong desire to change. This can come through many different ways but without the motivation to change you won’t get started and getting started is one of the hardest parts. One way to address this problem is to build up in your mind a good picture of what things will be like if you manage to change. Bring some emotion into the picture and memorise it – when you feel like giving up let the picture into your mind again.

These are just a few of the reasons but they are big ones. If you want to make a change make sure you have got these sorted out.